I woke up at 4:30 am with that sick feeling which only those who binge eat can really understand. That combination of self-disgust and a metabolically induced sugar hang over. I had had a dreadful night. Waking up every few hours, thirsty from the large box of salty wheat thins, and glycemic from my giant packet of skittles. A splitting headaches waited. This had to be my bottom? For the thousandth time I committed myself to losing weight and finding a way to healthy eating.
I have been sober, alcohol free, for approaching 19 years. I attend at least one meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous each week. I am familiar with the excessive and disordered behavior of an addictive personality. Particularly one that is addicted to sugar. I am the substitute minister at a local church in Topaz Ranch Estates. I attend bible study regularly. I am working on a Christ centered recovery program for emotional disorders.
I surely should not be having this level of struggle with my own eating?
One can abstain from drinking. But it is obviously not possible to abstain from eating. I did attend OA once, made my abstinence list of banned foods, but gave up for various reasons after a few months. Now each time I eat, but especially after dinner when I am getting tired, and despite my very best of intentions, I find myself craving more food.
I have been living alone in Gardnerville while my wife Mary has been caring for her mother in St Louis. Visiting home for a few weeks each 3 months. The extra portions and occasional treats have developed into daily ice cream, candy, and salty cracker binges.
I thought of my wife and her concern for my health. I am blessed that she finds me attractive even when I'm overweight. Although she does prefer my thinner version. But she worries when my blood pressure rises proportionately with each extra 5 pounds. Asking her not to worry, and jokingly saying that my life insurance policy will cover her in the event of a heart attack, has got old. I knew that her biggest fear had now become a reality.
I had gained the weight I lost in 2015, and was back to my disordered eating habits. Not that she did not know?
Her gentle words of a few weeks earlier still rang in my mind. She had shown me a picture of me on my birthday two years earlier, saying "you looked so good on that birthday". That hurt!